Defensiveness: A Trauma Therapist's Comments on Why It Happens and How to Handle It in Conversations

Defensiveness: A Trauma Therapist’s Comments on Why It Happens and How to Handle It in Conversations

Why Do People Respond Defensively?

Let’s be real—nobody likes feeling attacked, even if it’s over something as minor as how we load the dishwasher. Defensiveness is like our brain’s security system. The alarms go off when we feel criticized, judged, or misunderstood. It’s not pretty, but it’s human.

Usually, defensiveness comes from fear—fear of being wrong, fear of looking bad, or fear of facing some hard truths about ourselves. For example, when your partner says, “You forgot to pay the electricity bill again,” and you snap back with, “Well, you never remind me!”—that’s defensiveness. Instead of addressing the issue, you’re deflecting responsibility and shifting the blame.

Or maybe at work, your boss asks why you missed a deadline. Instead of saying, “I lost track of time,” you rattle off a laundry list of excuses about how the instructions were unclear and the timeline was unrealistic. Sound familiar? It’s not about the task; it’s about protecting your pride.

Defensiveness also tends to show up as a relationship pattern. Dr. John Gottman identifies it as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” or behaviors that can predict relationship breakdowns. When defensiveness becomes part of how we communicate, it creates a cycle of criticism, defensiveness, and even contempt—which nobody wins.

How to Recognize Defensiveness

Spotting Your Own Defensiveness

Here’s the thing about being defensive: you rarely realize it in the moment. You’re too busy justifying, explaining, or (let’s be honest) deflecting. But if you’re wondering if you might be in defensive mode, here are some dead giveaways:

Interrupting or talking over someone: Picture this—your friend is telling you that you hurt their feelings, and halfway through, you cut them off with, “I didn’t mean it like that!” That’s defensiveness trying to control the narrative.
Dismissing feedback: Thinking, “They’re wrong,” or saying, “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.”
Turning the tables: Hitting back with, “Well, you’re not perfect either!” or “Remember when YOU forgot?” (classic move, by the way).
Feeling a surge of emotions: That wave of frustration, anger, or anxiety that feels like it came out of nowhere? Yeah, that’s a clue.
Over-explaining: When a simple “I forgot” turns into a full TED Talk about how busy you’ve been and how it’s everyone else’s fault.

Spotting Defensiveness in Others

When someone else is defensive, it’s like playing emotional dodgeball. They’re throwing excuses, blame, or silence your way. Here’s what to look for:

Shutting down: Suddenly, they’re quieter than a teenager being asked about their day. For instance, you mention they’ve been spending less time with you lately, and they respond with a blank stare or mumble, “Whatever.”
Overreacting: Their response is a whole Broadway production over something small. Imagine saying, “Hey, you forgot to take out the trash,” and getting, “Why do you always think I’m lazy? I can never do anything right!”
Blaming or accusing: “Well, YOU were the one who…” becomes their favorite line. Like when you ask why they didn’t book the dinner reservation, and they snap back, “Why didn’t you remind me?”
Overly justifying: They’re giving you a five-paragraph essay when all you needed was a simple response. For example, you ask, “Why did you park on the lawn?” and they launch into a story about how the driveway was blocked, and there were squirrels, and Mercury is in retrograde.

How to Adjust Responses

When You’re the Defensive One

Okay, so you’ve realized you’re being defensive. First of all, congrats on that self-awareness—not everyone gets there. Now what? Try these tips:

Pause and Breathe: Seriously, take a moment. Breathe in, breathe out, and remind yourself this isn’t life or death.
Name Your Feelings: Inside your head, go, “Okay, I’m feeling attacked,” or “Wow, I’m super embarrassed right now.” Naming it takes away some of its power.
Get Curious Instead of Combative: Instead of arguing, ask questions like, “What makes you say that?” or “Can you explain a bit more?”
Own Your Part: Even if you’re not 100% at fault, admitting a little can go a long way. Try, “You’re right, I could’ve handled that better.” Taking even partial responsibility is key to breaking the cycle.
Call a Timeout: If you’re too heated, it’s okay to step away and revisit the convo later. No shame in cooling off.

When Someone Else Is Defensive

When you’re on the receiving end of defensiveness, it’s tempting to fight fire with fire. Don’t do it. You’ll end up with emotional third-degree burns. Instead:

Acknowledge What’s Happening: Sometimes, just naming the defensiveness in the room can help ease tension. You might say, “It seems like there’s some defensiveness here, and I want you to know I’m not trying to attack you. I care about this relationship, and I just want to share my perspective.” Or, for a lighter touch, “Whoa, okay, feels like we’re putting up some walls here—let’s bring it down a notch. I’m on your team, promise.”
Validate Their Feelings: Even if you don’t agree, show you get where they’re coming from. Say something like, “I can see why you’d feel that way.” For example, if they’re upset about a decision you made at work, you might say, “I understand why this feels frustrating for you.”
Watch Your Tone: Keep it calm and non-threatening. Think yoga instructor, not drill sergeant.
Reframe Your Feedback: Try, “Let’s figure out how to solve this together,” instead of, “You’re the problem here.” For example, instead of saying, “You’re always late,” try, “How can we make sure we’re both on time moving forward?”
Give Them Space: If they’re spiraling, take a breather. “Let’s circle back to this later” can be a lifesaver.
Lead with Empathy: Most defensiveness isn’t about you. It’s their inner stuff bubbling up. Remember, they’re not the enemy—they’re just trying to protect themselves.

The Antidote to Defensiveness

Here’s a pro tip: the antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility. It might feel counterintuitive in the moment, but when you acknowledge even a tiny piece of the issue, it diffuses tension. For example, instead of saying, “That’s not my fault!” try, “You’re right, I could’ve done that differently.” It’s not about admitting total blame; it’s about showing you’re willing to engage constructively.

Final Thoughts

Defensiveness happens to the best of us. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about catching yourself in the act and choosing connection over conflict. But sometimes, these patterns are deeply ingrained and hard to change on your own. That’s where therapy comes in. Working with a skilled therapist can help you understand your defensive patterns, see how they’re limiting you, and make meaningful changes so you can live the life you want and build the relationships you deserve.

Our Atlanta trauma therapists specialize in treating complex PTSD and are all trained in EMDR, which is highly effective for addressing patterns like defensiveness. If you’re ready to work through these challenges, we’re here to help.