Boundaries Are for Nice People, Too

About a million years ago (somewhere between 1978-1982) on a TV show called WKRP in Cincinnati, Les Nessman was a terribly incompetent, painfully awkward character, who was still somehow rather lovable. One of the funniest things about Les was that he worked in an open plan office with several others, but believed he should have his own private office, so he taped lines on the floor to serve as “walls”. Most of the other characters played along and respected his private space, even “knocked” on the “door”.

Wouldn’t relationships be so much easier if all boundaries were this clear? If people would clearly define the outlines of the space they need, and once defined, others respected that space?

Basically, a boundary is a line we define between ourselves and others. This line is drawn out of respect for our personal needs, rights, opinions, and feelings. Often, people raised in dysfunctional families have little experience with healthy boundaries.

In the quest for personal growth and relationships that work, it’s essential to learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries.  However, this is particularly hard for nice people.

Nice people are often giving and helpful, they are masters at respecting the feelings of others, and usually they find it difficult to say no. Whether it’s our closest relative or a relative stranger, nice people are there to care for others. Inevitably, the needs of others come in conflict with our own needs. If we honor the rules of being nice more than we honor or own needs, it feels horrible. Even though we feel sick or angry or powerless or sad, we don’t stand up for ourselves.

To make matters worse, the people in our lives, especially those who are used to us being nice and helpful, can push back when we make attempts to establish and maintain boundaries. It can be a difficult cycle to break.

So, in the spirit of Les Nessman’s office walls, here are some tips you can use to  set and maintain more healthy boundaries.

  • Say “no” (it’s a complete sentence)
    When someone asks you to do something, you can say no. It might take some practice, and you might feel more comfortable giving a more politely worded version of no, but say no. Do not allow others needs to come before your own.
  • Say “ouch”
    If someone’s request or response stings, let them know it. Saying ouch is a simple way to let them know they hurt you without lashing out at them or running away. Pro tip: this one can be particularly effective if you can deliver it with humor.
  • Say “That’s not ok with me anymore”
    This one is particularly good when the people around you are used to the old rules that you’re changing up. The “anymore” acknowledges that you know it’s a change and it’s clear and simple.
  • No more mind reading
    Do you often try to figure out what someone else is thinking? Do you try to read the room to figure out how others are feeling? Do you assume your thoughts and feelings are so obvious that you shouldn’t have to tell people? Mind reading can cause so much stress and hard feelings. Rather than assuming what others are thinking, ask them! Be more direct in letting others know what you want and need, too.

Improving your boundaries will take time and it will improve the quality of your relationships. These are just some starting points and may need to be tweaked into your own words — just remember to be polite, assertive, and firm.

There is so much good information available online and in self-help books to explore on your own. You may enjoy exploring our Pinterest board on boundaries. If you feel that you need to do some deeper work on boundaries, talk to your therapist about bringing this to your treatment plan.



4411 Suwanee Dam Road, Suite 450
Suwanee, GA 30024

hello@empowercounseling.net
770-283-8386

Got Questions?
Send a Message!